The Question

“It’s the question that drives us.” stated Trinity in the movie The Matrix.  This was the case with me a few weeks ago.  I was reading the book Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer in which he tells the story of a truly difficult season he lived through.  As he was trying to sort it all out he was asked by a man, “How would you describe God?”  As a seminary graduate and former pastor Jim dove right into answering that question.  “I know this one!” he thought.  He explained that God is omnificent, omnipresent, omnipotent, and on and on according to everything he had read in the Bible and been taught through his years of ministry training.  The man surprisingly seemed unimpressed.  Then he responded, “I didn’t ask you what the Bible says about God, I asked you how YOU would describe God, based on your personal experience?”  BAM!!!  There’s the billion dollar question.  I immediately had to put the book down.  If I didn’t read another sentence, that question alone made the price of the book worthwhile.  That question pierced my heart and left me pondering and wrestling with God for days.

We believers talk all the time about having a relationship with God.  Yet, many of the circles I participated in pooh-poohed personal experience.  “It’s all centered on the Bible, not your personal experience.”  But there’s a problem with that line of thinking.  Relationships are entirely experiential.  My wife has written me notes but my relationship with her is not based on her notes, it’s all about my life with her – a person.  I’ve grown to know her through the experiences we’ve had together walking through heaven and hell together.  If you were to ask me to describe my wife to you I wouldn’t turn to anything she wrote, I’d immediately tell you about her from my very real experiences of living life with her.  Why is it when it comes to God we regurgitate Biblical theology and sermons like students trying to pass an oral exam?  There is no life in that.  It’s not real.

When I pondered how I would describe God I felt like I had been stripped bare.  My heart was totally exposed before me.  Honestly, how would I describe God?  He’s wishy-washy.  Sometimes He’ll come through for you and sometimes He won’t.  Why would I describe Him that way?  Well, I had seen Him come through for me in amazing and miraculous ways.  God miraculously paved the way for Lilly and I to get married over 21 years ago and we saw Him move mountains to move us to Sacramento and then to Dallas just recently.  But we also didn’t see Him come through for us in the midst of tremendous financial devastation and loss.  I lived with humiliation as my constant companion and for a while each time I thought things couldn’t get worse, they did.  And then there are the complexities surrounding my wife’s pregnancy years ago.  She was pregnant with twins and both were born premature.  My son died but my daughter miraculously lived.  So, God is wishy-washy.  Sometimes He comes through for you and sometimes He doesn’t.  I never realized that view of Him resided in me until I sought to answer that question honestly.  I have a double minded view of God due to past hurts.  I think I see why we’d rather regurgitate Biblical theology.

So why do I keep following God if He’s so prone to impulsive behavior and letting me down?  Well, there is something deeper in my heart that causes me to continue to press toward Him in spite of all the crap and disappoint in this life.  Somehow, in spite of it all I know He loves me.  It really doesn’t make sense.  I could never defend my view of God to an atheist and I certainly couldn’t win any arguments because, quite frankly, it doesn’t make sense.  How do you win a “battle of the minds” with a reality in your heart? There is something like a flame that resides in the core of my being that is fueled by nothing but love.  And nothing has ever been able to smother it, even when it has at times appeared to be nothing but a smoldering wick.  That love just won’t leave me.  Even when I have felt so far gone I feared (and was almost certain) the flame will surely die.  It never did.  And somehow I know it never will.  Somehow I know this love is God’s affection for me.  This is not some pie-in-the-sky fantasy, but something that is so real in me it is almost tangible.  It is this affection that compels me to press forward.  It is this knowledge in the core of my being that I am loved that causes me to know that God is worth knowing and pursuing in spite of my perceptions of Him based on the bad experiences in this life.  There is a love deeper than anything I’ve known.  It’s not the kind of love seen in romance movies but a love stronger than that of an old couple that has been devoted to each other for a century.  That’s why I can’t describe it.  The One who loves me this way speaks my language and really gets me.  For that reason I’m not ashamed to admit I see God as wishy-washy because I have even greater confidence in His love for me.  And that same love that gives me the liberty to be real will also one day swallow up the lie I’ve believed in my heart.  Just as light removes darkness, so love will cause the truth to swallow up the lies.  Not everything will go great for me.  But the truth is that there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me.

So how would I describe God based on my personal experience?  God is love.

Second Hand Embarrasement

Confession: I am extremely prone to what my family calls “second hand embarrassment.”  My daughter came up with this term because there is nothing in the English language to describe this.  (I’m told that there is a French word for it, but I don’t know what it is.)  But second hand embarrassment is when you’re in the room with somebody who is completely making a fool of himself and for some reason you feel completely embarrassed for him to the point you can hardly stand it.  In other words, you feel the embarrassment that person should be feeling.  We also refer to these moments as “Michael Scott” moments.  If you’ve watched the TV show “The Office” then you know what I’m talking about.  Michael Scott was the manager of the Scranton branch of the Dunder Mifflin paper company who was extremely prone to making a complete fool of himself.  We’re not talking about the Chevy Chase slap stick kind of stuff, (that doesn’t bother me at all) but the confidently saying or doing stuff that is really socially taboo.  For example, in one episode of The Office a corporate trainer is sent out to provide diversity training because of Michael Scott's constant lack of sensitivity.  Being completely oblivious to his own actions, Michael takes over the meeting thinking he's an expert on the topic. Ughhhh!  - Cringe and face in palm.- Where’s the exit?

I hate that I'm so prone to second hand embarrassment.  I’m sure it comes from my Baptist upbringing where I learned exactly what behavior was acceptable so as to avoid offending the old ladies who would scold you after the service if you misbehaved. (I learned the hard way - NEVER talk during the benediction, even though the service will be over in 30 seconds!) Nothing is more uncomfortable for me than to be sitting in a group with somebody who is acting like a weirdo.  I'm not talking about having fun.  I'm talking about somebody way out of line from what is socially acceptable at the moment.  You know, that guy with nothing interesting or valuable to offer who takes over the meeting because he loves the sound of his own voice and thinks the people rolling their eyes feel the same way.  Or that drama queen who thinks everything is a miracle, “Glory to God! Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!  Junior got His braces off!  Thank you Jesus! (raises hand in air, closes eyes, and manages to shed a tear).”  Shoot, it’s even happened to me on Facebook when somebody started blasting certain people completely oblivious to the fact that some of those people are my friends and were reading those comments. (Ugh.) 

I brought up second hand embarrassment because I’ve come to realize that this is the very way I feel about much of Christianity.  It’s a total embarrassment to me.  I’m a follower of Christ, but because of that I get linked to some of the weirdest, most socially twisted, mean spirited, and judgmental people around.  You can tell people, “I’m not with wack-o over there.”  But wack-o over there often says he’s with you.  And there are the total Michael Scotts of Christianity who’ve made it their mission to make their dead version of Christianity more appealing by making it cool.  “Yeah dude!  Jesus rocks!”  -Face Palm-  “WWJD all the way!”  I’ll tell you WLWD (what Loren will do) – try to hide under his chair then sneak out.

There is all this talk among Christians about what to do to make Christianity “relevant."  They try to come up with all kinds of (weird) stuff to bring in the masses.  Yet, it seems the more “relevant” they try to make it the lamer, more Michael Scott-ish, it becomes.  And like Michael Scott, they can't even see how lame they are.  In their minds they're convinced they're cool.  Watch the church episodes of The Simpsons or That 70's Show if you need to see what this really looks like to others.  "I don't need PCP or LSD, I get high on G.O.D." says youth pastor Dave on That 70's Show. 

The reason why I suffer from second hand embarrassment is because many of the people that get involved in this kind of nonsense truly love God.  And I know God loves them.  (Hey, it's easy to believe God loves a scoundrel, try believing He loves a self righteous religious nut - now that takes faith!)  So, a lot of these people are - gulp- my brothers and sisters.  There I said it, okay!  Are you happy?  I'm actually related to some of these weirdos!  Ugh!  But to make it even worse, I was actually one of them.  That's right!

When I was a youth pastor I once went on a rant over the evils of listening to (oh, don't say it!) SECULAR MUSIC!!!  I was a legalistic goofball who worked his fingers to the bone trying to make God happy.  (Okay, and I was trying to make everybody else around me happy too, especially the pastor- but we won't get into that.)  I was part of the insanity of trying to make God cool and laboring to bring in the numbers.  I marketed God and tried to crack that secret code that would cause people to come pouring into my youth group and church. The truth is I was the Michael Scott of Christianity. So I'm in an unusual position when it comes to those Christians that embarrass me.  I was not only one of them - I strove to be the ring leader of the Christian circus. 

What Changed?  Religion crushed me and killed me.  I died.  But I didn't stay dead.  Jesus resurrected me by opening my eyes to who He is, and man did I have it wrong!  I saw that it's all about relationship.  (Yeah, yeah, I know, everybody says that.)  But see, I came to actually know and believe that.  This whole complicated mess called Christianity is just that, a complicated mess.  Most of it has little to do with the One who said that those who follow Him will be like children - simple.  It's as simple as this, Jesus loves us, we receive His love to the point that we can't contain it and then we pour it out by loving others.  It's too simple.  You don't need millions of dollars, hierarchies, programs, and so forth for that.  You just need Jesus and some people around you to love.  (They can be your neighbors, coworkers, family, etc.) 

Oh, and what is more relevant than love?  Good grief, it's in our music, movies, books, it's everywhere!  And here God is the source of it!  Yet, so many of the very people who claim to know Him are unable to link people to Him because they themselves aren't even linked to Him.  They're serving machinery, rules, obligations, traditions, and so forth.  They end up reflecting the very things they serve.  (Ever wonder why many Christians seem more machine than human?)  Yet if they could just unplug for a little while and look into their Father's face they would see they are truly loved.  And frankly, they would find that so much of what they thought was "normal Christianity" is really twisted and weird and has nothing to do with living loved.  All the noise and nonsense would fade away.

Here Goes

Well, here I am, launching my blog once again.  I have had several people encourage me to write and I love doing it, but my thoughts have been too disconnected to write a book.  But by not writing I feel like I'm burying one of my talents that is meant to encourage others.  So, out of the desire to encourage folks I'm launching this blog.  My hope is not to provide you with answers to life’s difficult questions like some kind of spiritual guru but rather that through the vulnerability of my struggles in life and with God I may be of encouragement to others who have had their own pain and wrestling with God.  I've found in my life I'm much more encouraged by the person who has similar struggles as I do and openly shares them than I am by the spiritual giant with all the answers.  I can relate to a human not an angelic being.  That is one of the key points that we celebrate in this Christmas season, that God Himself knew this about most of us humans.  We can't relate to somebody who is unrelatable.  So God became so vulnerable to the point that He offended the pious religious folks.  I've seen that that's one of the strange effects of vulnerability; it most offends the Pharisees among us and in us.  (I’ve had a whole lot of Pharisee in me – and am certain there is still some in there – but more on that in future posts.)  For some reason being human really bothers religious folks.  Yet Jesus pointed out that the meek and poor in spirit are blessed.  That is, it’s those who know they don’t have it together that are blessed.

I hate that Christianity has mutated into this weird thing that has caused many who say they follow Christ to be completely unrelatable.  Yet Jesus was so relatable that the earthiest of people enjoyed being around Him.  It makes perfect sense.  He came for the very purpose of having relationship with us.  How can you have a relationship with somebody if you can’t even relate to him?  I’ve heard the saying, “Christianity is a relationship, not a religion.”  Yet the lives of so many Christians screams, “RELIGION!”  When I can’t relate to you until I modify my behavior to meet your approval then you’ve got a religion, not a relationship.  If you don’t have REAL and (as far as it depends on you) healthy relationships with others based in love and kindness then you’ve got nothing but a lame religion.  How can I say such a thing?  Well, it’s pretty simple.  We reflect who we follow.  If God is all about love and relationship,(that’s the very reason He created us) then if we actually know Him that’s what we’d be all about.  That’s the bottom line.  And it’s not that we go work ourselves into a frenzy trying to be loving or come up with a new program that is centered on building relationships.  That completely misses the point!  The point is if you know Him the natural result is that you will reflect His nature – which is love.  Perfectly?  Heck no!  But this is the bottom line of what it means to follow Christ; to know Him and love one another, period.  Anything else is just an add-on, an elective, if you will.  And many of those electives that have been tossed into Christianity are completely unnecessary, and frankly, a waste of time.