Lilly and I had just returned from our honeymoon and as I
bumped into friends around town,
at work, and at church many of them jokingly
asked, “Have you guys fought yet?” I started to feel this dark cloud of dread hanging
over me. It was like, “Enjoy the fun while it lasts because it’s only a matter
of time before ‘peace time’ is over.” The way folks spoke it seemed it was
inevitable. It was written in the stars. Sooner or later this woman I love and
I would have a knock-down-drag-out-fight!
Loren Rosser
It was then we paid a visit to Rob and Jill, a couple whose
marriage we greatly admired. After chatting with Rob for a bit he asked me,
“Are people asking you if you’ve fought yet?” I was floored! He’d been through
this too!
“Yes.” I responded.
“Well, don’t listen to them. You don’t have to fight.” It
was as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Our bleak future
had been removed. There was no longer a dark inevitable fate awaiting us. For the first time I realized how we get along
is OUR CHOICE.
When I share with other married couples that the best
marital advice I ever received was “You don’t have to fight,” they often look
at me like I’m living in fantasyland. “What are you talking about? Everybody
fights!” Wrong! Everybody disagrees. That’s perfectly normal. We’re even built
to have two completely different perspectives. That’s part of the beauty of
marriage. I mean, if Lilly and I don’t even agree on which color is the best,
how are we possibly going to agree on even more significant issues? But, how we
handle those disagreements is our choice. We can choose to treat each other respectfully
and attempt to see things from the other person’s point of view and then come
to a conclusion, or I can be selfish and proud and insist on my way. Fighting
occurs when we choose to be self-centered and place numero uno ahead of the
other.
At this point I’m sure you’re wondering, “Have you ever
fought?” Yep! We sure have. So now you’re thinking, “See! The advice you received
was stupid! You fought!” Let me ask you this; when a new driver gets behind the
wheel of a car do you tell him/her, “It’s inevitable you’re going to get into
an accident!”? Of course not! That would not only be foolish, it would be cruel!
We spend our time and resources teaching new drivers to drive defensively so as
to AVOID getting into accidents. Yet, statistically, it actually is pretty much
inevitable that the new driver will at least end up in a fender bender at some
point. So why don’t we go around constantly asking new drivers if they’ve been
in an accident yet? Simple: we value the person so we choose to focus on
his/her safety and success as a driver rather than tying him/her to a bleak
fate. Why aren’t we the same with marriage?
Just like drivers and accidents, it is inevitable that
couples will fight. Why? Simply because at the core of being we’re all
self-centered. So at some point our selfishness and pride is certain to get the
best of us. But, just as drivers can acquire the skills necessary to avoid
accidents, couples can also acquire skills to make fights far less likely to
occur. Disagreements will constantly come our way. It’s what we choose to do
with them that determines whether or not we end up in a fight. Yes, it is
inevitable couples will fight. But couples can also choose to have a marriage in
which those occurrences are few and far between. It really is possible to have
a marriage in which peace, not combat, is the norm.
Recently, on The
Today Show, a study was revealed that found that just about all couples who
stay together have one thing in common. It was the use of two little words:
“Thank you.” In the article What Makes
Marriage Work by John Gottman, (Psychology
Today, March 1, 1994), Gottman found that politeness is usually the first
thing to go in a marriage. Couples who continue to be polite to each other have
a much stronger shot at lifelong happiness. There is a reason mom taught you to
say, “Please” and “Thank you,” and it wasn’t just to impress your teacher. Just
our tone of voice and the words we choose to use determines whether there will
be peace on the Homefront.
I remember one time as things got a little heated between
Lilly and I, I thought I was being “cute” as I got in a little verbal jab. My
teenage daughter, who was seated on the sofa nearby, placed her palm on her
forehead and began shaking her head as she mouthed the words, “Dad, no.” My
daughter was right. My little moment of victory cost Lilly and I a whole
evening of peace. And the truth is, before I even took the shot I knew I
shouldn’t. And that’s just it. Nine times out of ten we know we shouldn’t say
something before we do, but our pride often gets the best of us so we start
flapping our gums.
Peace in our
relationships is our choice. We don’t have to fight. And I’m not talking about
bottling up our emotions and becoming a bunch of passive-aggressive freaks
either. There are healthy ways to release emotion that won’t undermine our relationships.
There are healthy relational tools we can utilize to live in harmony. But peace
in the home begins when we realize we don’t have to fight. Loren Rosser
